The Anita

*Warning: The following post is graphic and may serve as a trigger for some, but it is my journal and personal thoughts and emotions relating to the passing of my sister*

Thoughts and memories flood my mind and fill my heart today. I remember when I was little and I prayed every night for a little sister. I remember when we spent hours playing doctor and school and fighting over who gets to take care of the Barbie with prettier hair. I remember when she came home crying that people threw wads of paper at her and called her a loser, and how she was so hurt and traumatized after that. I remember how people judged her so much for the way she was, not realizing that that’s exactly what made her special and set her apart from the rest of the world. There were so many things only she and I would get and people would look at us like we were crazy. She would stand up for her friends and fight for justice every time, passionately caring for others over herself. Her enthusiasm and passion for saving the world with her intellect and deep care for humanity and the planet and all living creatures was something to truly aspire to.

Cleaning out her room, I learned so much more about her that I had missed since moving away six months prior. She wanted to believe so bad- I saw a whole world of spiritual aids such as oils and books and stones and such- I was so happy when she called me to say she finally believes in something, and I was so grateful that my greatest wish for her had come true. She was also trying harder than anyone I’ve ever known to be positive and turn her life around: endless songs I’ll never again hear on our shared Spotify as well as a plethora of books and messages and tools and reminders that even when life is miserable, things can always get better. Perhaps one of the most beautiful things about her was her ability to be so unique and different and think outside the box, and do whatever it takes to stay true to herself. I saw notes from more people than I know, all the amazing things people said and thought about her, but I guess they didn’t outweigh how misunderstood and alone she must have felt deep within during the one dark moment of desperation.

Where’d you go? And how did you think I’d be okay without you? Didn’t you know, you were the most unique, beautiful, kind, creative, friendly, intelligent, caring, loving, humourous, enthusiastic, passionate, witty, spunky, socially aware, full of personality, sweet, sweet soul and my favorite human being in the whole wide world who truly got me with an unspoken bond unlike any other? Who will be my number one cheerleader and my monkey chocolate bunny rabbit pie? You were the only one who knew just how to make me smile with your intelligent wit and attempts at finding funny cat pictures. You were everything I’ve always aspired to be, but so much better at it without ever having realized it. I wish you could see all the people who loved you and how many you impacted so deeply and positively forever, that you did more in twenty-two years than many do in a lifetime; I am so proud of you. Anita, I love you I love you I love you I miss you and I can’t be without you, wish you’d come back to me. No words can even begin to express all the thoughts and emotions that come with the realization that twenty-two years was entirely too soon, but I pray your soul is resting somewhere in eternal peace next to our father.

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