“Just when you think it can’t get any worse, it does.”
This seems to be the anthem of my life and the motto for this year. In other words, rock bottom has a basement. In fact, 2017 has been the most difficult year of my life (that is saying a lot) and the past few days have been the hardest of them all. After everything I dealt with in leaving behind my family and job and life in Atlanta to get married, moving to a new city, starting a new job, adjusting to a new marriage and household responsibilities and living with in-laws, transitioning to this new married stage of my life with all the challenges it comes with, worrying about my mom and missing my dad and then my baby sister passing away, I still stayed busy with work and household responsibilities, making sure those around me were taken care of, all the while still dealing with the aftermath of losing my sister.
I finally took a couple of days to myself to be alone and grieve, and finally be ready to talk about everything with my husband, who has been so supportive in every step of the way. In the midst of this grieving, however, I made a huge mistake- I stayed alone in my room in the dark all day and I willingly let my thoughts take over. In this state of mind, I made an irrational and emotional mistake that was big enough to now have lost my primary support person- not forever, but at least for a while and I don’t know how long. I don’t want to worry my mom, and my best friends are not here with me, and without the support that I did have here in Houston, life got harder than I ever imagined it could- and this time, I have no choice but to do it (for the most part) alone. I found myself genuinely thinking, “how could things possibly ever get any worse than they are right at this very moment?”
And then I met the light that lives here at rock bottom. It dawned on me that when you have nothing, you have faith. When you have no one, you have yourself. When everything seems to be going wrong, there are always things to be grateful for that are going right. When it feels like you just can’t go on and the only solution is to give up, there is always strength within you and hope for a better way, to a better day. Life can seem complicated and overwhelming and difficult, especially at a time like this when I have been dealt a rough hand and am going through some of my darkest times, but it is always helpful to remember the light inside me, the importance of living one moment at a time, and knowing that such few things truly matter in life and the rest should be let go. The light I met at rock bottom reminded me that this alone is what can bring spiritual peace and freedom, and allow one to fully experience the entirety of what life has to offer.