I don’t want to get into details or specifics about any certain area of my life, but I do want to give an open and honest update about what’s been going on with me internally for the past couple of weeks (also what has kept me from being motivated to post more often for you all). In short, life- or whatever greater power exists in the Universe- has been testing me. It’s been testing my patience, my strength, my tolerance for pain, my ability to love and forgive, my faith during struggle and my light when surrounded by darkness. Right when I think I can’t handle any more, I do and I survive. Right when I think it can’t get any worse, it does- as life often tends to do. Right when I feel that there is no solution or way out, I hold on just one more day and out of nothing comes some way, after some time. And just as I accept that despite giving it my absolute best, I have absolutely no control, a new light dawns on me and I realize I have control over the one thing that matters the most- myself.
Getting caught up in emotions is okay for a bit- even healthy, being that we are all imperfect human beings…but staying there gets us nowhere. Your most painful and difficult moments are the best opportunities to challenge yourself to control your thoughts and feelings. Without consciousness, increased burden can lead to increased feelings of weakness until you feel that you just cannot take anymore. With consciousness, this same burden can raise your tolerance over time. As the days pass, I can feel myself getting stronger and stronger. I don’t work hard and give my all and try my best to gain something back in return- no, that would make life fair and at this point we all know that’s silly. I do it for my own peace of mind, to know that everything that is in my control- my thoughts, my emotions, my actions- has been carefully chosen and decided upon with my best and most heartfelt efforts. Beyond that, there may be hurt, there may be sorrow, there may be some worry, but at least there is peace. This peace is the sanctuary where I can always go to start again.