This is the one place I have always vowed to be completely honest and totally uncensored, even if I only ever end up sharing a minuscule fraction of my truths.
Here lies my canvas, my words as the paint, hues of every color splashing like waves against the walls of my heart. These are the solace on which I choose to dwell upon; I bask in their company for they never leave my side.
The effortless flow of word after word, like beads on a string
Or notes of a distant memory, creating the most magnificent melody, my remedy.
No amount of prayer, wise-words or productive distractions
Covers the incredibly painful, raw and tender wounds of grief and loss, the deep scars of loneliness and heartache
Which can only come from having loved too much.
“Grief, I’ve learned, is really just love. It’s all the love you want to give, but cannot. All of that unspent love gathers in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in the hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go.” -Jamie Anderson
To be home with my parents and sister, to be comfortably wrapped in the embrace of the one with whom I feel most distant, to be surrounded by the laughter of family and friends I once took for granted…
I imagine heaven to be something like this.
But right now, it is impossible. And totally out of my control.
A whisper, “the only cure”, the most difficult truth of this life pierces through my soul as it arises from the depths of my core:
To let it go and let it be.
So I surrender to the organic process of learning to befriend my loneliness, to sit with it, to feel all of it, and to learn from it.
How could I possibly feel anything but gratitude for an abundance of love, the loss of which poured out of me like waterfalls until it emptied me out entirely, until I had no choice but to come face-to-face with the darkness?
For it was here, exactly six months ago, that I met that light at rock bottom. The deeper I sunk into the darkness, the brighter the light shone, a beautiful yet unexpected surprise, like a gentle sunrise.
I find myself come full circle from the beginning of my journey over a decade ago in 2008, and all the experiences since then which have led me to this moment
But this time, it comes with the most powerful light of presence, the wisdom of self-awareness
And the overwhelming capacity to LOVE, truly and deeply, unconditionally, selflessly, without regret or fear…
How beautiful it is, to be so fully alive and human, to be both broken and whole at the same time.