Since I first started my blog in 2010, the past month has been the longest I have gone without posting an entry, so I am finally ready to give a brief update on my personal life. As the days go by, life gets more challenging, and I continue to grow stronger yet. I am grateful to still always remain in touch with the deep spiritual peace which never leaves my side, to practice consistent self-awareness and taking care of my self inside and out, and remembering the big picture of life as I accept each present moment as it comes. I’ve even recovered from my illness that had seemed to follow me around for weeks, and I have job interviews lined up for nearly every day this week. However, the emotional turmoil of love and loss is one I can never seem to escape, and for that, this is my only solace.
My heart bleeds from all that it has been through and all it continues to go through. When I lost my dad in my younger years, I lost a piece of my heart. And when I lost my baby sister several months ago, I lost a piece of my self. These, I can never get back and I am reminded of this in every moment of every day, if only in the background of my mind. If it is possible to experience a deeper pain, it comes from seeing my mother who has lost a husband and a daughter and now lives alone to work full-time, run the house, and still remain so resilient and positive- truly the strongest woman I have ever known.
As I grew up, the extended family I was constantly surrounded by as a child slowly all moved away. And when I got married, I was the one who moved away from the friends who had become my family. Although I am extremely blessed to live near my mom and still remain in touch with some family and friends, loneliness has become a friend of mine who I am no longer afraid of.
In my current situation, the one person who I thought was forever, has also abandoned me- and I do not know for how long. In fact, a very meaningful weekend in which I felt I could finally reconnect my new love to my old roots will probably no longer be happening. It’s ironic how I, who places love above all else after faith, ended up in this empty place. Naturally, being the imperfect human being I am in this temporary and flawed world, I want to be angry. So angry, for all the sorrow and anxiety and emotional pain which releases itself in the form of physical pain like a brick on top of my heart that somehow reaches all the way inside.
And still, my faith reminds me to be still and my mother reminds me of what’s most important in life: being a good person with good intentions and a good heart, accepting flaws and apologizing for mistakes, finding the positive in someone when it feels like there is nothing left, and choosing love over hate every. single. time.
“In the long run, the sharpest weapon of all is a kind and gentle spirit.” – Anne Frank
All that is within my control is my own thoughts, emotions and actions. Those who are filled with anger, or those who have lost the meaning of love and replaced it with indifference, or those who have chosen to find the worst in me, will always find it. Every single conflict which can occur is the result of two parties willingly engaging. In the past, I have participated in the aftermath of each conflict, discussing petty details of past arguments in hopes of defending myself, but finding my efforts futile and energy wasted after going in circles every time. At this point, I am aware I cannot change the past, nor am I in control of the future. Amidst the uncertainty, there is nothing to do but continue to live by faith, and be soft.