Hope. I never realized how quite important it is. When you have nothing else, or when it feels like that and you think you’ll never feel better, you have hope. And that alone can be enough.

I’ve been hanging on by a thread of hope to my faith in God and the life I know is sure to come. In the past, there is sadness and heartache. My heart is hurt, this is undeniable, but it’s been hurt worse before and I’ve been happy after that time. The future holds an intense fear of failure. I’m scared of failing the NCLEX for sure but I’ve successfully survived the most commonly failed nursing school final exam. I HOPE this is the last week I have to deal with hardcore studying alongside intense heartache. My hope tells me that when I am past the hurt again, and when I am done accomplishing my greatest goal in life of being a nurse, things will be different.

It seems like I really have no choice but to finally learn to live in the moment, just like I resolved for the new year. It’s so much harder than it seems, because in the moment I am not a registered nurse surrounded by those I love. But everything else in the moment is good, a lot more good than bad, if only I could see it and appreciate it and realize there that all we ever really have is this moment, and the illusion that we are not alone. I hope God stays with me and brings me peace in the moment, but despite knowing that outer circumstances cannot bring internal eternal happiness, I cannot wait to pass the NCLEX and spend time with loved ones and new friends.

So this is why, today (and I am aware this may sound like pure insanity to those who do not understand where I am coming from), I joined God, let Him carry me and stayed with Him. I like to do that once in a while when I can’t take life anymore and I’m blessed to know how. Just for a few days, it helps me live in the moment, until I finish the NCLEX and escape away to camp.

I also just watched Hector and His Search for Happiness, a British comedy that is more profound than critics describe. The moral of the movie is basically that a lot of things bring happiness and sadness and fear, but being alive in each moment with all of it at the same time is what life is all about. Also, love is important.

The most important thing I remembered this morning is that although it’s true that most of my peace and contentment comes from knowing myself and life and God, there is another part that is also incredibly important to my happiness and feeling good on a day to day basis. That is actually living my life in the moment, laughing at life instead of taking everything so seriously, and loving as many people as I can, as often and in every way I possibly can. Seems simple enough, but it’s easier to forget than you’d think..

Leave a Reply